💔 I Was Determined to Keep Love Out, but Didn't Know It

In 2018, I found myself standing in a hotel conference room in Singapore, thousands of miles away from everything I knew. Just a month before, I had left my apartment in Berlin, moved my beloved cats to my mom's place in NY, and uprooted my entire life in pursuit of a future that was completely unknown to me. I was terrified, but beneath the fear, there was a deep certainty that this was the right move.

For years, I had felt stuck in a life that no longer fit. Failed relationships haunted me, toxic work environments chipped away at my self-worth, and despite my best efforts to change careers, get an MBA, and seek fulfillment in new places, I still felt like I was suffocating. I knew I needed to take a leap of faith and trust that this journey, however uncertain, would lead me to the growth and healing I so desperately craved.

Facing My Demons

As I settled into my seat for the 6-week intensive Co-Active Coaching training, I had no idea that I was about to embark on a journey of profound transformation. I thought I was there to learn new skills, to become a better coach, to help others live happier lives. But what I didn't realize was that to truly help others, I first needed to face my own demons.

The training pushed me to confront the parts of myself I had long kept hidden - the shame, the guilt, the fear, and the deep-rooted insecurities. I remember one particularly intense session where I was being coached in front of the group about my romantic relationships. As I shared my stories, the teacher painted a vivid picture of me standing in a courtyard, sword in hand, surrounded by the slain bodies of my past loves. It was a shocking image, but one that resonated deeply. I saw, perhaps for the first time, the walls I had built around my heart, the armor I had donned to protect myself from pain, not realizing that it was also keeping love at bay.

Breaking Free from Armor

Shedding that armor was no easy feat. In another session, I found myself literally jumping up and down, shaking off the metaphorical armor piece by piece. I felt silly, vulnerable, and exposed, but I knew I couldn't stop until every last bit of it was gone. I didn't want to hide anymore. I wanted to let light in, to allow myself to be seen, to love and be loved without fear.

Through the tears, the laughter, and the deep, soul-baring work, I began to understand that this was the path I had been seeking all along. It wasn't about changing my external circumstances; it was about transforming my relationship with myself. It was about learning to face my fears, to embrace my imperfections, and to trust that I was worthy of love and happiness, just as I was.

If you've ever felt stuck, unfulfilled, or like you're wearing a mask that no longer fits, I want you to know that you're not alone. So many of us go through life feeling like we're not enough, like we need to hide parts of ourselves to be accepted, loved, or successful. But the truth is, the greatest gift you can give yourself is the courage to be seen, to be vulnerable, and to share your authentic self with the world.

If my story resonates with you, if you're ready to take a leap of faith and embark on your own journey of self-discovery and healing, know that I am here to support you. As a coach, I've walked this path, and I know how challenging and rewarding it can be. I offer you my compassion, my understanding, and my guidance. Whenever you're ready to take that brave first step, I'll be here, cheering you on every step of the way.

Accepting Yourself as You Are

Embarking on this journey of self-discovery and healing has been the most transformative experience of my life. It's taught me that true power lies in vulnerability, that healing begins with self-acceptance, and that the greatest love story is the one we write with ourselves.

If you're ready to break free from the armor that no longer serves you and step into a life of greater authenticity, fulfillment, and joy, know that you have the strength and the courage within you to make it happen. And know that you don't have to do it alone. With support, compassion, and a willingness to grow, you too can embrace the beautiful, imperfect, and whole person you truly are.

With love and compassion,

Amanda

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